On feeling shaky and wanting to be liked
Why I hate my old posts and now I'm writing here again
Hey! I’m back to writing here after a super long break.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write this newsletter again (and I’m still not sure if I will bring it back as a regular practice).
Recently, after reading through some of my old entries, I felt a deep sense of embarrassment. How could I write such ridiculous, out of touch, self-centered, useless stuff? Who wants to read what’s going on in my head when there are so many other things worth learning out there?
I still feel this way about pretty much all of my previous posts. I am going through a phase of questioning myself and my beliefs a lot, which is useful to a certain extent, but can also become destructive if I let it.
Something around which I’ve been feeling particularly insecure is sharing my writing with others. Every time I write something, I immediately judge it and feel an immense resistance to publishing it.
I haven’t always felt this way. I used to have a huge amount of confidence, but I now realize that this confidence was just a mask for the shakiness underneath. Now I am in the process of uncovering that shakiness, that rawness, so the confidence doesn’t really fit as a mask anymore.
Therefore, the vulnerability is exposed and obvious. And because I am in the process of letting go of old protective layers, I’m kind of enjoying the vulnerability. A part of me is enjoying getting exposed, feeling the pain, and accessing the freedom on the other side.
Yesterday a friend told me that he notices how I often seem to do things based on what other people will think of me. This hit me like a knife in the heart. It hurt so much because it exposed a part of me that I struggle so much to accept (the fact that I care so much about what others think of me and I have an unusually strong need to be liked by everyone), and it shattered a part of my self-perceived identity (the confidence mask) that I used to take as granted.
A lot of things are breaking for me, and I am trying to embrace the ride as much as possible. I want to bring the confidence back, but this time I want it to originate from a place of truth, humility, and wholeness.